Warning, what follows is basically an extended whine…done by someone who pretty much has no right to whine in the big scheme of things.

Today’s walk sucked. Really, really sucked. Part of the reason it sucked was that my digestive system was trying to deal with the binge I went on late last night. (I do not recommend eating mass quantities of high-fiber bars 10-12 hours before you plan on walking 10 miles.) Vertigo added to the suckiness. (Note to self: take vertigo meds before walking whether you think you’ll need it or not.) But, the biggest reason it sucked was because, emotionally, I just wasn’t up for it. In fact, I spent most of the walk wishing it would stop. Wishing I could stop. Wishing everything would stop.

• I want to stop worrying that I’m going to binge (which I did when I got home, btw)
• I want to stop worrying about food
• I want to stop caring about how much I weigh
• I want to stop caring about what I look like
• I want to stop caring about what others think about the previous things
• I want to stop feeling like crap because I can’t do the previous things
• I want to stop letting stupid things ruin my days
• I want to stop the fact that a gum-smacking co-worker can drive me totally insane and make me twitch with anger
• I want to stop getting so angry at my cats for being, well, cats
• I want to stop buying crap I don’t need
• I want to stop eating sugar cookies
• I want to stop eating
• I want to stop this inability to concentrate on anything for more than 5 seconds
• I want to stop dropping things
• I want to stop forgetting things
• I want to stop feeling like I’ve let everyone down
• I want to stop feeling like I’ve let myself down
• I want to stop being impatient
• I want to stop being so impatient that when change doesn’t happen immediately, I give up
• I want to stop disliking myself
• I want to stop the fact that I want all this stuff to stop, but can’t seem to take the necessary actions to make that happen
• I want to stop

I was reading some articles about dealing with and learning to control binge eating. One article said to do something that gives you joy every day. My first thought was, “Joy? That’s a pretty strong word.” My second thought was, “I can’t think of anything that truly gives me joy.” There’s some stuff I like…stuff I prefer, but joy? I’m not sure about that. Also, part of my darn problem is that I tend to do what I want and never do the stuff I should do. I live in a dark messy house because I’m too lazy to clean or even replace the light bulbs that have blown out. Can I work some joy into that? Or am I too busy just wanting shit to stop?